Discover Best and Famous Quotes by Bill Burr and share with your Friends to do some fun. William Frederic (Bill Burr) was born on June 10, 1968, is an American stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and podcaster who has released several stand-up comedy specials. He is especially known for hosting the Monday Morning Podcast, playing Patrick Kuby in the AMC crime drama series Breaking Bad, and creating and starring in the Netflix animated sitcom F Is for Family. Rolling Stone magazine called Burr “the undisputed heavyweight champ of rage-fueled humor”. Burr married his longtime girlfriend, producer, and screenwriter Nia Renee Hill, in 2013. Here you can find all Quotes and Comedy lines by Bill Burr. Share these Quotes to having some fun with Family and Friends.

Top Bill Burr Quotes

  • 1 ) I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.
  • 2 ) Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, ‘Look, this guy’s going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I’m going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,’ I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
  • 3 ) I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
  • 4 ) What’s up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that sh*t — guys killing their wives. I don’t understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don’t they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole thing’s gonna play out? Like, ‘I’m gonna kill my wife, then I’m gonna get caught, then I’m gonna go to jail, then I’m gonna get f**ked in the ass.’
  • 5 ) There’s no ‘brothers’ when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio — I don’t know that guy.

6 ) A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That’s why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they’re nice, but their stories suck.

7 ) Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

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8 ) I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

9 ) They say you don’t want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy.

10 ) Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?

Comedy Lines By Bill Burr

11 ) I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I’m thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I’ve seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.

  • 12 ) I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.
  • 13 ) If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.

14 ) I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.

15 ) You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

16 ) Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Best Bill Burr Quotation Collection

17 ) You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He’s like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know — the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

18 ) I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.

  • 19 ) Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.

  • 20 ) His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

  • 21 ) I’ll tell you why — because, in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay — that’s why I get the dollar more an hour.

22 ) You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

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Amazing Bill Burr Quotes and Sayings

23 ) I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?

  • 24 ) Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
  • 25 ) When was the last time your dick came up with a good plan? Oh, it’s got some great ideas, but when was the last time it came up with a good plan beyond “Do it.

26 ) ‘Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay…’ Yeah, why wouldn’t you?!

27 ) Rednecks are like America’s pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop ’em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, ‘Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo — it’ll scare the hell out of them.’

  • 28 ) You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.
  • 29 ) Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?

30 ) What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.

Think Positive Lines By Bill Burr

31 ) I’d be like, ‘Lady, get the hell away from me! You’re old, you’re gross — I’m sorry. I’m sure you were unbelievable back in the 20s, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you’re at least four decades past humpable. I’m sorry.’

  • 32 ) I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.
  • 33 )  Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
  • 34 ) You’re good looking for a redhead… yea, well you’re not good looking for a person.
  • 35 ) Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.

36 ) I am so pro-swine flu — I want it. We need a plague. It’s got to happen; don’t be afraid. It’s only going to kill the weak.

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37 ) The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I’m in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything new that’s funny. That’s a tough place to be as a comedian.

  • 38 ) Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

39 ) Seriously, any other town you go to there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!

40 ) It’s not until you’re an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then you come home and that dog’s looking at you and he’s like, ‘Dude, you’re awesome!’ It’s like, ‘No dude, YOU are fucking awesome!

41 ) Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?

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